Emotional Support Animal

This is Ellie.  She died Friday.  Her passing was completely uneventful in every way.  She just died... in the living room.  I was in the kitchen.  I heard her paws scritching on the wood floor.  I looked over and she seemed to have slipped and was struggling to stand up, so I walked over to help.  She lay down and sighed a deep sigh and then didn't breathe again.  Wow.  That's it.  Easy as that.  No long illness.  No having to make a decision to put her down.  Just, poof. Transitioned.  After a totally normal day, she just left this life.  I have been with each of our pets when they've died.  2 dogs and 1 cat... and I was the only one there.  It might seem like a bad omen... but I think it's a gift.  I see the beauty of that exit.  It's amazing that something is living and then it's not.  What leaves?  What animated that creature?  

Ellie was my emotional support animal.  In the early years, she attached to the children, then to Steven, and in her old age... she only had eyes for me.  Her eyes were cloudy with cataracts, but she could still see ME.  She wanted to be beside me at all times unless she was sleeping - which was a lot lately.  She wanted to sit beside me, sleep near me, follow me from room to room.  I tried so hard not to disturb her if she was sleeping and I wanted to get up and take care of some things.  She did not mind a bit... she wanted to be with me every second.  

Sometimes I'd get shouty with my husband or my son, or maybe I'd be feeling sad or angry and Ellie would run right over to me and give me a little scratch scratch on my arm or put her paws on my chest.   It was like she knew when I needed to be reminded of who I really am and how I want to show up.  She would stare into my eyes and I'd breathe deep breaths and calm right down.  How did she know?  I have loads of emotions every day... happy, excited, bored, ticked off.  She took no notice of my positive emotions.  Whenever negative emotions showed up, she'd come right over to me with her little paws.  'Hey.  What's up?  You're Ok.  Hey.  Look at me.  You're OK.'    Amazing.  

I guess I'm going to have to do this for myself now.  When I feel my emotions rising up in me... I will breathe deep breaths.  I will notice what I'm thinking.  I will calm myself down.  And I'll bet when I close my eyes I will feel little paws on my chest.