Ep. 8 Responsibility for Other People's Emotions
Do you find yourself taking responsibility for how other people are feeling? How comfortable are you when others are uncomfortable? This episode explores the opportunity we have to understand our own discomfort and what our people really need when they are suffering.
SPECIAL SUMMER OPPORTUNITY:
Sign up here for a unique 1 hour treasure hunt for $29.
VISIT www.giaguidry.com for all the info you need to work with me ;)
SHOW TRANSCRIPT:
- 8
Responsibility for Other people’s emotions…
One of my clients told me this week that her biggest takeaway from our group program is… she is learning that she isn’t responsible for other people’s happiness.
Isn’t that remarkable?
Did you know that you aren’t in charge of other people’s emotions?
And if the people around you aren’t happy… it’s actually NOT your job to MAKE THEM HAPPY?
Some of you out there already know this… but MOST of us… especially my women listeners, do not realize that other people’s emotions aren’t within our control.
This is one of the fundamental explorations we do in life coaching… so I want to share this with you today… to give you a taste of the richness and depth of this work.
Depending on how old you are, you were very likely taught from a really young age that CAN and you DO make other people happy… or sad, or proud, or disappointed, or anything.
We believe that we are the CAUSE of other’s emotions.
The generation that I grew up in taught women to be people pleasers… and my generation is waking UP hunny. We are not interested in participating in this mindset any longer… but the roots run deep. It can be VERY hard to recognize when the brain is operating out of old habits. Here’s a perfect example:
I was on the phone with my financial advisor this week and we were discussing how much $ I’d like to keep in cash and how much I want to invest.
(I know some of you are saying “Don’t invest right now, ARE YOU CRAZY?”
But listen up friends… everything is on SALE!
These prices are as good as the markdowns on designer labels at TJ MAXX!)
Instead of really asking MYSELF what I most want to do…
I was trying to give the best answer…
assuming that my investor wanted me to invest the most.
As the call went on,
I could hear that what he actually wanted
was to help me to feel secure, and at ease…
NOT for me to invest the MOST I possibly could right now.
Later, I was thinking about the conversation,
and I saw how I’m still trying to PLEASE with my answers –
I’m not asking MYSELF “what do I want”…
I’m trying to give the answer I think the other person wants…
even when the thing we’re making decisions about is MY money! Crazy!
His job would be SO much easier if I would just be straight and clear about what it is that I want. And I KNOW men don’t typically have this same problem.
Women trend toward pleasing…
and for a long time…
the patriarchal system has wanted to keep it that way.
Think about how trained we are to tune into other people’s emotions…
to gauge where we stand with them…
to figure out if we are safe with them…
and ultimately,
depending on our relationship…
how much we are trying to make them happy or keep them happy.
So, when my client began to notice that she’s starting to feel less responsible for other people’s happiness…
that’s when I knew that magic is starting to happen!
The FIRST step to managing your mind is noticing what your brain likes to do.
Noticing the deep groves in your brain which are often habits of thought…
old patterns of thought that often aren’t even true.
we are shaking things loose -
we are starting to carve new grooves that are more intentional and will release her from the impossible job of keeping everyone happy all the time.
it IS an impossible job.
but from the youngest age, we were taught to put others first.
As daughters, mothers, spouses… we have been givers and caregivers.
And we love our job.
We cherish our babies.
We WANT them to be happy… WHY?
Because we feel good when they are happy.
We have been good daughters.
And we like it when our parents are happy…
we especially like it when they are happy with us
we received a lot of affirmation when we pleased our parents
We love our families and we love our lives.
And when someone in our lives is having a hard time… and it can be a tiny thing… like chipped paint on a pedicure… we swoop right on in with solutions.
“you know you can go back and they’ll fix that for you.”
“Oh, you don’t have time? Well, do you know the paint color? I can go buy some for you.”
OR it might be really big things… like our kid is going through a break up…
or they just lost their job…
or they got into a fender bender.
WE are SO uncomfortable when our kids are uncomfortable.
And it can feel like WE CAN’T REST… until they feel better.
So, we try, really hard… to distract them from their misery.
We want to take them shopping.
We want to make them their favorite meal.
We want them to talk to us, and we are searching our archives for just the right thing to say to ease their pain.
I remember once, my kid was going through a breakup and he was DEVASTATED.
I convinced him to go to a movie with me. This was not a good idea. The movie was no distraction from that level of pain. I felt even worse as he suffered through the 2 hours really not wanting to be there. What he wanted, and what he needed, was to be alone with his emotions in order to feel them and process them.
And this is SO HARD TO WATCH. We don’t want our people to experience negative emotions…. ever… as if we have any control over this!
So, check in with yourself on this… how comfortable are you when your child is experiencing emotional pain? and if you don’t have children… then think about a person you care deeply for…
If they are going through a breakup… how much does that affect YOUR ability to be at peace?
If they are failing a class… how much does that affect your life?
If they are addicted
if they are in debt
if they are being very lazy
if they are angry
if they are sick
if they are stuck in unhealthy relationships…
if they are not at peace… how responsible do you feel for that?
It’s SO difficult to find your own inner peace when your kids are suffering…
Why?
Because we feel responsible for their suffering… and what’s more… we USUALLY believe it’s our fault… and THAT’S the root of all of our suffering.
Let’s linger on that for a moment.
We often feel that their emotions are our responsibility… because we believe that we are the reason they are in this mess in the first place.
We blame ourselves for their suffering.
We didn’t teach them well enough.
We didn’t prepare them.
We didn’t warn them.
We didn’t model good relationship fundamentals.
We didn’t give them enough responsibility as they were growing up.
We created these monsters.
And now we have to make up for it by rescuing them from the emotions that come with their human experience.
The REAL REAL REAL truth is… every single human being on this planet is going to suffer every single possible emotion.
Them’r just the facts, mam.
We’ve got a giant spectrum of emotions and we are going to feel them all… multiple times in a life.
The more comfortable YOU become with feeling your feelings and processing emotions, the more comfortable you will be witnessing your people moving through the natural unfolding of their own lives. *That’s why ALL the work always and only has to be done on the self.
the best gift you can ever give your kids is an invitation feel whatever it is they are feeling, and you sit with them and honor their experience.
In coaching, we call this ‘holding space.’
You don’t have to DO anything.
you just have to be there.
And let me tell you what a RELIEF it is when you take this responsibility off your shoulders. One of my other clients says her family always tells her: “ you’re carrying the world!”
you can put the world down.
You can relax.
You can take inventory of how YOU are doing today…
You can stay in your lane.
You can think only about yourself…
you can dream… and you can laugh
you can sing in your car and dance in your kitchen
you can take a walk and run your fingers along the leaves.
you can meet a friend for coffee or just have a little chat on the phone.
You can put a letter in the mail to your mom or your aunt or a friend who popped into your brain.
This world is a playground!
Find some joy in it today… whatever kind of JOY is YOUR kind of joy! Whatever lights YOU up… whatever is FUN for you!
Finding Joy is like a scavenger hunt… each one of us has such unique and varied interests… our individual joys are particular to us… and NOBODY gets to tell us what makes us happy. That is our individual liberty to decide.
You have the right to BE HAPPY… and you have the right to BE SAD… and you have the right to feel aaaaalllll the emotions.
Your kids have that right too.
I know it’s uncomfortable to see them suffering… but it is their RIGHT. and it is their process… and it’s important.
I remember reading something by Glennon Doyle once where she said to one of her children, “This pain was meant for you, baby.”
That’s so beautiful.
It really honors the journey of another.
and when you say that to yourself… it honors YOUR journey.
it’s big work, sunshine.
